Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
