I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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