I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
