dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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