you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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