Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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