Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
