I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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