a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
