my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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