I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
