I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
