I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
