remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
