Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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