life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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