Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
