Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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