Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
