Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
