woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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