3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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