I wish my penis had an off switch
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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