Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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