bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
