I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dick very happy bro
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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