OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
