party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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