I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
