im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Honestly, you canโt tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
Theyโre in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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