I wish I could teleport
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
