I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
