I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
