You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize