I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
