she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
