from now on my penis is your penis
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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