I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
