Cold hands, warm shart.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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