trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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