I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize