I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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