the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
