I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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