She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
