I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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