Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
