my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
