so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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