woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
