My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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