I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
