You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize