Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How does it feel to date your dad?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
