My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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