my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
