Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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