She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
