Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
