My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
