She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
