last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm šš»š
We are so blessed
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I feel awkward having to tell people āsorry you canāt finger me because I will get a UTI and I donāt have health insuranceā
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
