"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
