Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
