Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
