he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
